Today I went to a luncheon sponsored by Mercy Connections, the organization that coordinates the mentoring program. They premiered a video created to highlight the value of such a mentoring program, and it was poignant. If I had any doubts before, they are washed away.

I have a feeling that this whole organization is calling to me and will become an important part of my life. They really understand the concept of empowerment and that is one I choose to embrace.

Moving ahead

So, I plan to go ahead with this new activity in my life. I hope I can be of help to someone else, but I know that I stand to learn more than I could ever teach.

Among the things that interests me is the need to let go of my own ego about what I "have to offer." It's not about me. It's about her. I offer friendship and support. I offer agape - unconditionality, and that's likely something that a woman in this situation has little experience with. I will need to learn to be more quiet, more of a listener than a speaker, more Light and less ego. It will be a challenge, but I suspect it is the one (or one of the ones) that I really need in order to take the next leaps in my own development.

So, who is the beneficiary of this project? Both of us, I hope, but I will be for sure.

Although I am taking this semester off from Burlington College, I am beginning the activities of my required practicum experience. I already planned and implemented a workshop for women - a life satisfaction workshop. Now I am participating in a training program through Mercy Connections for a mentoring program for women transitioning from correctional facilities in Vermont.

Both of these activities are appropriate to my field of study and both of them, in very different ways, promote personal and professional/community service growth. The workshop, however, was easier!

There are a few reasons that I am more hesitant about the mentoring experience. Not only is it a long-term commitment (at least one year), it is SO important! I knew that the workshop I did was helpful for the women who participated, but I also knew that they are all basically "okay." This other program is very real - potentially very significant in the life of a woman who has had all manner of trauma in her life. It's scary...

There are also other concerns - my ability to be present for her, not to try to impart my wisdom, or my learning. This brings to mind Pedagogy of the Oppressed, by Paulo Friere, which I absolutely need to re-read. It is hard for me, though, as I get so excited by the things I've learned about life and Being. I know what is best, but can I hold myself back from the passion to share?

I'm embarrassed to write this - especially in a public place - but another concern is that it seems like I'm taking the same path as Tom, my ex-husband. He also went to Burlington College and he, too, works with the prison population. His focus is a little different - but then, is it? It seems like I'm following him rather than myself, and that feels weird to me. Yet...this program at Mercy Connections has called to me since I first learned of it about 5 years ago. How can I relax and let this be, not comparing myself with Tom or even acknowledging that it may seem, well...interesting...to our kids? Should I be looking elsewhere for a practicum experience, or continue to follow this call that has been nagging at me for years?

Emotion, Attitude, and Perspective

I have become very interested in the differences between emotion, attitude, and perspective and how they relate to behavior. I think that "attitude is everything" but I have begun to wonder what attitude really is and what order they come in response to life events.

It seems obvious to me that events are nothing but a set of circumstances, totally objective on their own. We add perspective to those events, which guides our response. But, our emotions guide the perspective...don't they? If emotion is defined as how we feel, like my emotion is angry or sad or happy, then that mood state, or emotion, informs the perspective of the event. I may experience the same event at another time and have an entirely different response. Did my perspective change or did my emotion change?

Then, attitude gets thrown into the mix. I think of attitude as a more global sense of being. For example, I may have an attitude of gratitude, an attitude of negativity, and attitude of judgment or hostility, or an attitude of forgiveness. Is the attitude intertwined with the perspective? Is my perspective informed by attitude? If so, now where does emotion fit in?

Perhaps if a friend does something that hurts my feelings, my emotions will impact my perspective of the situation, but will my general attitude more frequently trump the emotion? (or, will the reverse be true?) So, if I'm already in a bad mood because I didn't sleep well last night, I'm tired and my emotions are on edge, I may take everything the friend says or does personally. On the other hand, if I have a long-standing relationship with this person, I have the possibility of a perspective based on previous experience. In this case, where does attitude fit in?

It seems that emotions are more automatic, less in our conscious control, than either perspective or attitude. I have a choice of perspective and the way I make that choice is based on my attitude. So, when my emotions get out ahead of my perspective, I can consciously (or maybe not so consciously) use the intentionality of my attitude to choose a perspective that leads to healthy behavior choices.

All this is to say that I think we are responsible for our own behavior as well as for our own happiness. We can't always choose the events or circumstances of our lives, but we can choose our perspective, based, I think, on our attitudes. Thus, cultivating positive attitudes is one of the most important things we can do.

Drawing on the Right Side

I have been working through Betty Edwards' book, Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain and last night I drew my second self-portrait. When I sat down, I kept thinking that I couldn't do it, I would feel badly afterward when I saw how awful it would be, I don't have enough time.... you get the picture.

I got all my materials together and sat looking at the sketch pad, thinking of excuses not to do anything, then I remembered some of the exercises to help stop the chatter in my Left Brain (ego-mind? per Tolle?). After a few minutes of R-directed sketching (looking at my hand and sketching all the little wrinkles without looking at the paper), I settled down and just started on the self-portrait.

Well, it's not a piece of fine art, but it is absolutely amazing to me!! It just came off the page as I erased, considered negative space, measured and calibrated, but did not - I repeat, did not - ever draw a nose, never drew the typical line creating the edge of my face, never actually drew the eyes. I shaded, erased out highlights, shaded, cross-hatched....well, it was sort of like magic because there it was, suddenly before me.

This whole thing amazes me - it is so clear to me that the monkey chatter in the L-directed mind continually pushes out the creative, intuitive, holistic R-directed mind.

Right Brain vs. Left Brain

I have been learning to draw using the book Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain, by Betty Edwards. It is an intentional interdisciplinary study, using art to learn more about brain hemisphere function. I have completed about 2/3 of the book.

One of the things that fascinates me is how Edwards uses exercises to "shut off" left brain thinking - language and analysis. I struggle to motivate myself to read the chapters and to prepare for the lessons, but I'm always pleasantly surprised by the results. It isn't easy, however, to turn off that monkey mind in order to bypass the language and get to the vision. Once I do - seeing the reality of what's in front of me rather than the shortcut symbols I've used since childhood, I can actually replicate them in a reasonable fashion on paper. I am convinced that I could do so even better if I took the time to practice from lesson to lesson. Why do I struggle to get into it - must be my left brain dragging its feet!

Interestingly, this brings me to connect the brain hemisphere struggle to what Eckhart Tolle refers to as ego mind in The Power of Now. There is always the interference of analysis and mind-talk getting in the way of meditation and Presence. As I lay awake for hours last night, telling myself to relax, stop thinking, and to meditate, I experienced the usual inability to turn off my mind. Is that ego mind or a powerfully trained left-brain? Or, are they the same thing?

It is clear from experience and from reading Betty Edwards that left brain development dominates educational experience in our society. We "want" students to analyze, to articulate, to think through....In fact, in the Vermont State Portfolio system, students are required to write narratives describing the process by which they solve mathematics problems. Left brain, left brain, left brain!! What about the right brain? What about the creative, intuitive, relational, and holistic left brain? Are we letting ourselves and our children down by focusing primarily on the left? And...are we lessening the possibility of experiencing the sense of Presence that Tolle (and so many others) promote by cultivating left brain thinking (is that where ego mind lives?) and ignoring the right?

Flow experiences, as explained by Csikszentmihalyi, are when we are so engaged in activities that match our interests and capabilities that we become deeply absorbed and lose track of time and emotion. These are times we reflect upon as fulfilling our passions. In order to be in the time-free mode, it seems that we are in right-brain mode. And, even if we are deeply involved in analysis or writing, I think it must be in full collaboration between the two brain hemispheres.

Therefore, it seems logical to think that the more we cultivate right brain thinking, the more we are likely to experience flow, Presence, and creative silence. I think I'll get back to my art class...

Dialogue Education

I am an independent degree program student, which is great because I have designed a program of study based on my own interests. I study holistic health and there is no end to what there is to learn and directions to go with study. I work full time on top of my college study, so this has been a great way to learn what is exciting to me and to work toward a college degree. The one drawback is that there is no one to talk with about these great concepts. So, I'm starting this blog in the hopes that I may find someone who shares my interests and will engage in discussion, challenge ideas, share different perspectives, and get me out of my own mind.

I'll open the conversation with some thoughts about a book I read recently by Dawna Markova entitled Open Mind: Exploring the 6 Patterns of Natural Intelligence.

There are many theories of personality and learning styles. I am most familiar with the Myers-Briggs Type Inventory (MBTI), from inventories and workshops in various employment activities throughout my life. I have also been exposed to information about learning styles and multiple intelligences theory during my experience working in elementary education. Markova, however, introduced me to a new concept of learning styles based on levels of consciousness. Her theory is that individuals take in information in every way: auditory, visual, and kinesthetic. Where most learning style theories determine one primary mode in which individuals perceive the world, Markova explains that we gather information on a conscious level (beta), a subconscious level (alpha), and an unconscious level (theta). The classic three forms of learning are incorporated in each of these levels. For example, as I understand my own learning styles, I fall into Markova’s category of AVK – or, auditory on the beta level, visual on the alpha level, and kinesthetic on the theta level. I determine this because I am most conscious of learning when I am in dialogue, thus the auditory channel is engaged. More subconsciously, I reinforce learning through visual cues, such as diagrams, pictures, and charts, or visual stimulus in the world around me. Finally, at the theta, or deepest level of consciousness, where the mind is “most capable of understanding the whole of something, the big picture, the widest landscape, this is also the place of deepest spiritual connection and healing, of that elusive inner voice or insight or gut feeling” (p. 29) I engage in learning through kinesthetic activity. I relax into epiphanies and inner peace through walking meditation, yoga, or even solitary exercise.

The theories of natural learning, as described by Markova, interest me for a variety of reasons. It seems logical to recognize that humans learn on many levels and in many ways, rather than to think that we are primarily one-faceted learners. Beyond that, however, is a connection I make to Fundamental Attribution Error (FAE), or the tendency to attribute our own behaviors to situational causes but others’ actions as being caused by character flaws, particularly in the case of negative behaviors. If Markova’s theories are true, FAE may be exacerbated by misunderstandings of how others perceive the world, or learn. In other words, because I am auditory at a conscious level and my husband is kinesthetic at a conscious level, I feel hurt that he is not more interested in dialogue about things that are important to me. Conversely, he wants me to be near him in physical proximity when we aren’t even talking – while I wonder, “Why bother if we’re not going to talk?” Therefore, in the past I have attributed his behavior to a character flaw, when it is possible that it is simply a difference in the ways in which we perceive the world.