New Academic Module

I registered today for a new module in my degree program. It's called DP1 - or Degree Project 1 - and it is the beginning of the end. The assignments are more prescribed and designed to take me through a process of reflection and design, into the final degree project required for graduation.

I like the idea of reflection. I think it speaks highly of the college that they not only recommend, but require, their students to stop and think about what they've learned, to toss it around, to explore the concepts once again and to wonder, on paper, how the learning has changed their lives. My learning has certainly changed my life. It has happened in both large and small ways, and I wonder who I would be now without this experience. I am grateful for the opportunity on many levels - to explore ideas that require me to challenge my mind in ways that I rarely experience. I have explored concepts that are new to me, yet resound deep in the bowels of my existence. Clearly they've been there all along, I just didn't know others had studied the topics and articulated the thoughts I hold so dear.

Now the time has come for me to put it all on the line. That is both daunting and exciting to me. I'm not really nervous about the work of the semester, but I am nervous about how much that work means to me. I can go at it with an attitude of mediocrity, or I can attach a measure of Self into the work, to make it all that it can be. I prefer the latter. I have had a semester off, I have done the work (and joy) of relationships. I won't let those go, but I want very much to use the next year of my life to delve deeply into my mind and my soul. Then, I want to write and to create to the best of my ability - a work for which I can be proud, and one I can put on my own bookshelf for my own heirs.

Let the games begin...

Wedding bell blues

The month comes to a close, and with the beginning of a new month tomorrow, there comes a new phase in my life. The first new phase started on July 3, when I became a grandmother. Now I will become, once again, a mother-in-law.

I feel out of sync with Jake & Jenny as they prepare to close on their new house on Tuesday and then get married on Saturday. I haven't figured out how to help them, or how to be with them during this time. I think those concerns come from Ego. I have this feeling that I'm somehow supposed to be present with them in some wise or helpful way. The message that I am receiving, however, is that they are quite competent, thank you very much, and I need to let the ego go and simply Be in this situation. None of it is about me, and I recognize that my concerns are because I've made it about me rather than about them. This is an important lesson for me, and I clearly need to spend some time thinking about it, and letting go in a very healthy way.

Choices

I am struggling to live out the philosophies that I embrace in my studies. It is a good thing for me to be challenged and to be reminded that what sounds quite logical and important (and is), isn't always as easy at it is simple.

I am exhausted. I want to relax and have fun. I have much to be happy about (see previous post) and to look forward to. Despite those realities, I feel crabby and tired, and I want to whine! Yet, I recognize that I am making choices - each choice to whine takes me further from my own joy. Each choice to worry, to find the negative, to frown...is a choice to give away the joie d'vivre that is hard-wired in me. I don't have to make those choices. I recognize that sometimes we are just tired - sometimes I am just tired - and in those times I am weak. However, gaining strength and rejuvenating doesn't come from giving in to exhaustion, it comes from recognizing the Breath of Life, the hope that transcends daily worries. It is in this choice, in the choice to smile, to embrace, and to live Now rather than next week, that I can find the peace that I need right now.

Writing helps...

Transitions

This has been a summer of transitions. I knew it would be a busy one and that's why I decided to take the semester off from college studies. Although I have continued to be involved in my practicum activities, I think it was the best idea ever to refrain from committing to academic study.
The summer started with a new grand-child. Dylan was born on July 3 and is a gem. Who knew what fun it would be to have a grand-baby!! (Actually, every grandmother knows it and I've been told a million times! :-) He's so cute and changes rapidly so I'm sad that I don't get to see him very often. But, that's the way life is and I can choose to regret that or choose to treasure the times that we are together!

I went on a sisters' retreat in Minneapolis/St. Paul. Lynne and I flew there and Eileen hosted. It was a wonderful 5 days, exploring the cities, devouring the creation of Eileen & Shelly's house and yard, and mostly just spending the time with my sisters. Great stuff!

Now we are about to see Jake & Jenny married and housed, and to bid bon voyage to Luke & Katie. It is going to be an emotion-filled beginning of September as the life events for my 'children' impact my sense of self. It is with joy that I see each of them on their own adventures - knowing that they are in the right places at the right times. Life unfolds in the most amazing ways, and I never cease to be in awe of the movements, the dance of lives that weave in and out, held by the bond of family.

Life is good. I'm a happy person!

Today I went to a luncheon sponsored by Mercy Connections, the organization that coordinates the mentoring program. They premiered a video created to highlight the value of such a mentoring program, and it was poignant. If I had any doubts before, they are washed away.

I have a feeling that this whole organization is calling to me and will become an important part of my life. They really understand the concept of empowerment and that is one I choose to embrace.

Moving ahead

So, I plan to go ahead with this new activity in my life. I hope I can be of help to someone else, but I know that I stand to learn more than I could ever teach.

Among the things that interests me is the need to let go of my own ego about what I "have to offer." It's not about me. It's about her. I offer friendship and support. I offer agape - unconditionality, and that's likely something that a woman in this situation has little experience with. I will need to learn to be more quiet, more of a listener than a speaker, more Light and less ego. It will be a challenge, but I suspect it is the one (or one of the ones) that I really need in order to take the next leaps in my own development.

So, who is the beneficiary of this project? Both of us, I hope, but I will be for sure.

Although I am taking this semester off from Burlington College, I am beginning the activities of my required practicum experience. I already planned and implemented a workshop for women - a life satisfaction workshop. Now I am participating in a training program through Mercy Connections for a mentoring program for women transitioning from correctional facilities in Vermont.

Both of these activities are appropriate to my field of study and both of them, in very different ways, promote personal and professional/community service growth. The workshop, however, was easier!

There are a few reasons that I am more hesitant about the mentoring experience. Not only is it a long-term commitment (at least one year), it is SO important! I knew that the workshop I did was helpful for the women who participated, but I also knew that they are all basically "okay." This other program is very real - potentially very significant in the life of a woman who has had all manner of trauma in her life. It's scary...

There are also other concerns - my ability to be present for her, not to try to impart my wisdom, or my learning. This brings to mind Pedagogy of the Oppressed, by Paulo Friere, which I absolutely need to re-read. It is hard for me, though, as I get so excited by the things I've learned about life and Being. I know what is best, but can I hold myself back from the passion to share?

I'm embarrassed to write this - especially in a public place - but another concern is that it seems like I'm taking the same path as Tom, my ex-husband. He also went to Burlington College and he, too, works with the prison population. His focus is a little different - but then, is it? It seems like I'm following him rather than myself, and that feels weird to me. Yet...this program at Mercy Connections has called to me since I first learned of it about 5 years ago. How can I relax and let this be, not comparing myself with Tom or even acknowledging that it may seem, well...interesting...to our kids? Should I be looking elsewhere for a practicum experience, or continue to follow this call that has been nagging at me for years?